あたしのブログ: 2010

Take my hand, it waits there cold, waiting upon the warmth your touch brings. Maybe it is asking too much. Maybe not. Your touch makes me warm inside, like the sun hitting you on a chilly Spring day. Warming you on its contact of its radiating light. Your eyes looking at me with a smile, holds the same meaning. Every moment without you feels like eternity, but yet with you, the time flies by. How cruel is this?

Cruel it maybe, but eagerly anticipating the next moment I can be within your embrace. Funny it seems that such a small act creates such a powerful emotion such as this. Within a million faces, I search of yours. Just hoping for that chance to hold you again, maybe one day earn a welcoming kiss upon seeing me smiling at him like nothing else matters in the world -- as in reality this is what happens upon his sight. The whole world disappears. A war could break out, deafening noise, screams, bombs with spitting fire from guns speeding by us, and I could find peace there as he looks at me with a warm smile.

I believe in him, and I believe we both were made for chasing dreams and I believe chasing them together we will either come to a conclusion they are not catchable, they will not matter after we have caught them -- or possibly what we was searching for was found within each other. This life isn't always what it seems to be, in the fast paced society where we are all to busy for one another, we sometimes need to take whatever moment we have to share it with someone you care for.

I have been alone for far too long, and it is at this point I see him as someone I want to never stop listening to or learning what drives him and his heart. How can I make an impression upon his heart of his. I feel and see you -- only you. In hopes you will say the very same. I am told by that small child inside me called "Hope", she whispers weakly to "try.", although my fragile heart developed thick scars and it says "No, I cant take another stab."

There is so many things I wish to tell you, but I cant. Loosing you in anyway, I could not bear. My past created how I am now, sadly. In my past I would open up how I felt and pour that emotion out in hopes someone would share how I felt. Maybe that killed the optimistic woman and beat her down into that child cowering in the corner, with blood spattered, dirty what was once white frilly dress. She eagerly awaits for that man that will love her as much as she could give to him, as she has a lot to give.

Maybe that man can see this and open up what I can tell similar very damaged heart; to try one more time, like me I fear it, so I understand him. I can feel he see's something in me, like I see within him. Were both damaged souls in search for someone that can make us whole again. But I see something in his eyes that holds him back, mind racing with "what if's". Let us share moments together, do whatever comes to mind and enjoy it. Maybe were born to meet like this, destined to help each other heal and create meaning for us to continue into the future and maybe, just maybe happy we tried.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours, to see.
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

The Year passed by in such a surreal haze, trying to find work and keeping it keeping most of my year in such a mess! I went from job to job to no job and so on. Meeting many different people and really not having much to speak of for most of the year. Having had gone through a personal matter that had hurt me a lot in the very act, and still saddened over my decision on it to this day. I still look back at how different my life could be now and I know one thing for sure, I would not be on Vancouver right now.

The summer was pretty boring as it normally is, working part of it kept me busy but I wanted to share in something with family and friends; like going to the pond and swimming, going to festivals and other events, which is far too few in NL, which they should start planning a lot more to do.

I went from living in my own place, be that it was a rented room, it was still my own. Then after many failed attempts in finding and KEEPING successful employment, was so difficult, ((I guess the recession was to blame)) so while unemployed I had to leave my place to try and find work and living arrangements with my Mother. In a hope to find anything to save money and maybe to leave NL in hope to find better employment.

My last job of the year was my best. I got a over night stocking job w/Zellers and met some of the best people at a job ever. I actually miss them ther but alas. I was able to see a few people before I left STJ's and my last night was hectic. I didn't realize how much work I had to do but i got it all done, got a three hour nap in before my flight.

Richard came to pick me up 2:30am, we then picked up Stephanie, Rosie then my Dad. Its funny they said to be there 2-3 hours in advance but it was dead I tells you. Everything went smoothly to the exception to loosing a good few liquid makeup in my case,before I got on the flight. Which in a good way means more new makeup.

To describe the first time being on a plane since I was a child is difficult. But not too surprising due to me looking at youtube videos of video shot during take off and landing. I was awake during the full three hour flight, taking photos and the video I had was lost ((poo)). There was some turbulence but it was ok, I didnt get sick, nor my ears didnt hurt too much. While @32,000 feet it was still dark at first but you could start to see the sun starting to rise, breaking into sunrise and it was very beautiful.

When I landed at Pearson; the reality struck I was alone here. I got my bags and preceded to find the Shuttle, after a bit of wandering I found it. The man was very nice and the bus was empty. He said he would show me exactly where to go. I was expecting a lot of people on the bus, but the max amount was maybe 5. I was instantly shocked how there was internet access on this BUS! I used it for a few minutes before we left for downtown, I didnt want to miss the drive there of course, as I did look at some of the google map street views before I got there so something were a bit familiar.

I arrived just before Widmer and the Canadiana and he was nice to point me exactly where it was, I was there very early and with check in @1pm I had to waste a few hours so I went about the area to waste time. Took a few photos and even got to see Chinatown a little bit. Didnt go into all the shops just browsing.

I was in shock from the size of not only the buildings but the few streets that I wandered the first few days. I would not leave the hostel at night. The first few days I got to know a few people in my room, two of which were sister from France. Only one could speak english, Douala. NYE had a ver interesting afternoon and night. Douala &her sister went out to a dinner her sister was invited to someones home, then was to go out later that night.

Had my first Dim Sum, was checked out very obviously be two Chinese there and went out for drinks at a nearby bar. After wandered to Yonge St and also got go on the subway for the first time in my life.

I got back home early morning and Deloula was really ill from food poisoning from eating fish ((her sister didn't eat the fish was fine)). She was sick that night and the night after. I started to worry when she wasn't getting better and was in bed the whole time -- the beds are wooden with thin bedding so you can feel the boards.

So three days in and Deloula was boiling hot ((and having hallucination's)), I went out looking for something that may help in Chinatown. That was where I found out her being so hot she probably had an infection. When I got back she went from just warm to freezing cold and shaking. While we waited for her friend who lived her to come she was getting worse and when he arrived she got sick again. So he called a taxi. She was so scared and thought he was going to die. I consoled her and made her laugh with a few jokes.

She cried a bit before she left but I kept making her laugh saying she will be back very soon complaining on the idiots in the hospital. This was last night. She came back saying that they refused to help her because she didn't have all the money up front. She has a French travel info so if she needed care, they could cover costs but it wasn't working so she had to pay. So she called the police and the got them to have her pay half now and half the next day, the doctors said it was very serious.

When I woke up today Deloula was still not feeling good, she had got sick once again over night and was still hot, but I came back a few hours later ((only left because a mate there who was French stays there most of the day)) Deloula had said she started to feel a little better and was able to do some packing for her to go home tomorrow. She is trying to give me gifts, as thanks for saving her life, but I tell her she do not need to, I would do for anyone! Have to try and convince her not to give more, her getting well is thanks enough.

After a few weeks there I had moved to Room #10, I met Belinda Visser &Ricah Timms. We began going out to Chinatown and walking in the freezing cold in search for cheap Chinese buns ((although I was searching for a different kinda Chinese "bun" haha)). Ricah was a slave, not in the ways people would think, but more bondage & S&M. Me and Belinda was always on guard when it came to Ricah. I always drove Ricah crazy with my boy crazy antics. She ended up meeting a new girlfriend who collared her as her pet, she moved out of the hostel and we havent heard from her since.

I also made wonderful friends there in the hostel; Vera Kaiser ((who is very much like me)), Emily Choi, Cindy Wang, Tony Leung, Masahito, Choi Seung Kwon &Tommy Truong.

Me and Belinda are best friends. Belinda, from South Africa ((a Safa)) who is an artist with a boyfriend Lachy who went back to Australia who has MANY dreams and aspirations on what she wants to do in her life. I know she will do wonderfully with whatever she decides to do. We have spent so many days going to Chinatown, having Korean BBQ, going to Tea Shop 168 for Bubble Tea's, boy watching//stalking, movie night//cuddlez, the LONG time it took to watch the complete season of 궁 Goong, sad times when missing men in our lives, when walking to Chinatown or even around the hostel crying like cats and cracking up over it, bubble tea straw lightsaber duals, walking arm in arm to keep me on leash or us warm when it was freezing.... Ooo how I miss her!

Emily came to Toronto to become a Nurse. Also my BF we had shared a lot of fun times including hot pot with her church was fun, Pacific Mall was a blast!! Cindy, another BF, she came to Toronto from Quindao China, she has a boyfriend for many years and he lives just outside of Toronto in the states. We had done so much together, from walking around so she didnt get too lost, to watching Asian Dramas and her teaching me some Mandarin.

Vera is awesome, she reminds me so much like me. We both got a long so well, my friend Raymond said we would and he was completely right! She knows Spanish and came from the states. She lives her life focused on working at The Canadiana, always gathering people for Thursday night Club time @Republic and drinking up a storm, to wine &cheese every Tuesday night, cutely chasing or calling out to her man Jamie, who they both match each other so well.

Tony, Chinese, has been staying in the hostel for over a year, he was always very nice and gentlemanly, while kinda driving me crazy from time to time with his taunts but loved hanging out with him. Masahito, Japanese, worked there and I met him when I got to the hostel, he left for a trip and I got to see him a bit more before I left again. He did remember me always making tea or noodles and eating them with chopsticks. I often told both Masa

and Tony to stop smoking, more so Masa as he smoked like it was going out of style. Seung Kwon and I shared about two months together, he came from Seoul Korea and we spent many afternoons, nights, movies, cuddles, hugs and kisses... he was so sweet and I missed him a lot after he went back to Korea. I would often watch a Korean movie and see a actor with similar eyes and make me miss him. Tommy is very interesting guy, he is Chinese//Vietnamese with two cats and we hung out a lot before I left.

I bought my ticket to come to Vancouver 13th of April sadly, had a wonderful day out with Belinda walking to the... ahem LAKE ((as I called it ocean)), then last Wine &Cheese night. I spent my last few hours with Belinda, Vera, Tony and hostel friends taking pictures! I tried to get Tommy to come and help me and Belinda to the bus station, but he never did show so we both walked with my huge bag and stuffs painfully there. Said out seez you when I seez you.

I had lost my voice that night from a cough I had and the loud talking that night. So when people talked to me I could only whisper, and people LOVED to whisper back to drive me crazy! I met some nice people but didnt sleep at all in those three days but got some amazing pictures along with bruises on my legs. Saskatchewan was SO boring and drove me a little mad. I swore it was like a scene in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. When we got to Alberta I was so happy, finally got to see lovely mountains!! Everyone on the bus was so nice, even buying me stuff a lone the way or at stops. I met two Newfies on the bus too.

Ironically when we arrived in Vancouver, it was dark and raining. I was dropped off at the station on Main Street. I had met someone that was SO odd, although he bought me something to eat, I had a bad vibe so I called my friend Philip to go stay with him. I really didnt want to but I didnt have a CS'er ((CouchSurfer)) lined up. He showed me where I would find the ocean and beaches, then seen Chinatown and the wonderful Chinese garden, truly felt like home there.

A week late I met a CS'er Edwin Gomes, got a few lovely hugs &I stayed with him one night but he took me out for dinner, drinks at Cambie bar, I got to use his nice camera and macbook, then lunch the next day and out to the beach to watch the sun set before he left to LA for a week. I had a mazing time with him and I love how odd he is like me, likes very similar things that would bore some people as well, an artist//photographer and his writing reminds me so much of my Dad. I haven't seen him since he got back as he is busy with new travelers from Malaysia, I cant wait to spend more time with him again very soon.

I then moved onto another CS'er and it was a house of them, one having two wonderful daughters, making me realize I need to settle down with a good guy who I can share similar vales and interests with, hope I have found him within someone, and maybe start a family before I am 30. As my friend all are having children and most are younger than me, like my good friend Rosie Dunn, who is due to have her baby girl soon. I stayed with them for three nights then exhaustedly found my way downtown to American Backpackers, checked in and thankfully NO bed bugs.

I then met Raymond, we went out for breakfast after his shift was over. He gives AWESOME hugs, and I could honestly want to stay in one of his hugs for hours! We had a good chat and walk around Vancouver after nomz. I really didnt want him to go but he was exhausted from work. So eagerly waiting to see him again as well.

The next day I started my first shift of training at the American Backpackers Hostel, which the boss Vincent ((or Vin)) was showing me how things are cleaned and how it was ran. I have made good friends there with the MANY Japanese guys and girls, as well as one Korean girl. Having awesome weekend with them, having lightsaber duals ((honorable mention to the NEVER genki Jiro)), messing up their hair, getting hugs, giving and receiving kisses on the cheek from both the Japanese men and girls! So much fun with them! It would be complete if Belinda was here!! But that would be double the calling me a tard from her and the one who started it, Raytard.

So thats it for now... think I wrote enough!!

Me &Emily